Doomsday has arrived, and The Daily Shift’s Shane Burke walks us through the things that he thinks will be missed the most if the world ends today…
It is perhaps a true reflection of human nature that we would write of an event that means the end of our existence and I am sure everyone is saying to themselves: “I have lived a good life.”
Well, if any of you guys can come out from under your beds, and away from the ledge of the tenth story before the fire balls land and we all die an agonising death, I would like to write about all the things we will miss when we are dead. Hopefully we can leave some messages for other space civilisations to learn as well.
1. Waking up at early: The number one thing I am sure we will all miss when the alien colonists land to wipe us out will be waking up at 6am Monday morning to the alarm, and a massive dog slobbering all over our faces. After all who doesn’t love waking up with a hangover to work in some dead-end job where you will doodle male scrotums instead of doing the spreadsheets? One of the things most people will probably ask if the world should end today is; “why did I not follow my dreams and do what makes me happy?”
The answer most people will probably have is; “I thought I could change things tomorrow; I never thought the world would end.” But with a situation like that, what are the odds somebody would be so unlucky as to be alive when the world ends? At least we will get to see the awesome fireworks display. That aside it is perhaps a good idea if we leave this message for other space civilisations that visit the ruins of our planet.
The message being ‘live life to the fullest; tell the thing you love how you feel; buy a mansion on Mars and enjoy yourselves before it is too late’, because despite previous history the next day never may come and you may never get to fulfill your dreams.
2. Cold Beer: The second thing people will miss when the world ends is bound to be enjoying a cold beer in the park – well if you are fourteen at least. It is perhaps a sad reflection of the world that our children spend so much time engaging in adult forms of escapism instead of playing football with their friends. Other races on far away planets must look at our cultural decay with pity and feel; “well at least the kids told their Ed Sheeran look-alike friend about their undying love outside their window at four in the morning.”
There are many reasons our youths should not have engaged in this form of escapism. The best reason is perhaps that it blunts your realisation of what is important in life. Take the Aztecs; they spent so much time predicting the end of the world that they forgot the Spanish colonists wanted to kill them. The lesson here in is that if you think too much about the world, it will end and you will have died before you have done a single thing.
3. Reality TV: Another thing we will be sure to miss is all the reality TV like X-Factor. It was almost a certainty that Christopher’s debut single Nanny Lover would have rocked any nursing home; the fun would have been mighty. Think about it; do we really want X Factor to be the only account of human history if the world ends? Imagine the cringe-worthy shame we will have in the after life if the little green men from Mars have nothing but X-Factor or Jeremy Kyle to judge us.
Why be so critical of reality TV? Well for starters, it is false advertising and about as truthful in portraying real life as the finding of a piece of particular human anatomy on a bull. Reality shows are really not what they say. After all if we were to see how boring a lot of the contestants are, people would not tune in. Seeing people clip toenails is not exactly premier, priority viewing. Even in Big Brother, which, despite being as real as reality TV gets, none of us know how much is staged.
The lesson here is: leave as much positive culture and civilisation possible so other intelligent species do not think you are so backward.
4. Money: A lot of us will either wish we had more money, or spent less time pursuing money. What is money after all? A piece of paper that is no reflection of the hours we put in, or who we are emotionally. Well if you are monetary-conscious at the dark hour in human history, don’t be; it is worth nothing now and all you can do is regret your souls commercialisation.
5. Friends and Family: Finally I guess we will miss the times we spent with friends and family. Well take comfort in the fact that when our corpses all rot away we will all be part of the same fertilizer that flows into the soil. In all honesty is the world really going to end, and life with it? With the bad luck this planet has, we would be so lucky that an asteroid would hit it.
The main message that can be taken away from this piece is; if the world should end relax, because none of us can stop it. In the end all we can really do is sit back and wait and see if we are wrong; it will be a shame we have to deal with the post-end of the world parties hangover.